I Always Said I'd Cry if I Couldn't Eat Cheese... but I guess what I really meant was anything dairy.

So here is the background: Landon has been spitting up a lot.  I think it's more like vomiting, but since I have never really watched a video on newborns vomiting, it's hard to say.  Regardless, this has been happening more and more after every feeding, especially in the evenings or middle of the night.  Plus he has been arching his back, acting very fussy after eating at least until he burps, and a few days ago he had a couple of dark green poops in a row.  Now this isn't so different from what I remember with William, and Landon is gaining weight and length very well, so I wasn't TERRIBLY worried. In addition, while we had to count every pee and poop diaper with William just to see that he was ok, Landon has always been a champion in the diaper department. So much, in fact that we joked about it... Although now looking back those 10 poops in one day might have been diarrhea but since I'm also not a baby poop expert I figured I would ask someone who was!   I knew we had his 2 month well care check today, so I was ready to ask a couple of questions at that time.

The Story 
Last night I had a WONDERFUL Thirty-One party.  I had worked allllll day on cleaning the entire house and preparing the menu.  Everything went fairly smoothly, people had a great time, and I honestly got a TON of free stuff! (Thanks, ladies!)  If you want more info on the exact party and recipes, read the Thirty-One blog post. (NOTE: If you are reading this and there is no hyper link to the post, that just means I haven't written it yet!)

Well, after the party I fed Landon and picked up before getting ready for bed.  Everything was as usual!  Now, what was strange was that he got up a LOT throughout the night.  Basically, he woke up every hour except the one hour I pumped, but he wasn't eating... he was just crying.  I wouldn't call it unbearable, but it was hard to console him.  I pumped because he hadn't eaten much.  I could definitely tell something was wrong because Landon has only ever gotten up one time per night since he was BORN (knock on wood!)

The morning came around, and I was sooooooooooo tired from being up so much.  I guess I just have had more of a luxury with sleeping for 4-5 hour stretches than I should be getting used to!  Landon had his 2 month well care check at 10:35 am.  I "overslept" because after going back to bed at 6:30, I got up at 8:15.  This is very much considered oversleeping in my house, ESPECIALLY when I have to shower, get both boys up, changed, fed, and then changed and fed again!  William wanted to go to the doctor's office with me, instead of going to his babysitter's house as planned.  I know this is because he gets a dum-dum sucker at the doctor's office, but I really didn't want to take him to the office because he thinks the visit is about him when he is there, he talks the entire time, asks me to hold him, whines, interrupts, and I was so afraid he would be terrified of ever going back if he saw the nurses jab the needles into Landon's thighs... but I agreed that he could come because I was running out of time and didn't have his stuff ready to go the babysitter's anyway.  Well, RIGHT before we left he said he wanted to go to the sitter's and I declared that was IT and we were going to take him.  I was SOOOO proud of myself for getting both boys fed and ready (William was changed, but had a wet diaper by the time we got to the sitter's) and I even remembered the little red well-care book!  I was on fire!

So something had to go wrong.

Ah yes, I had forgotten my purse.  So I had to borrow money from the sitter for my co-pay and I didn't have my insurance card.  I also failed to bring a blanket for Land-O, so when they took his clothes off we had to wrap him in a paper towel like cover.  Poor baby. 

By the time the doc came in, I was angry with myself and just EXHAUSTED from no sleep.  We got to talking about Landon's symptoms that I was concerned about. She identified a little excema and pointed out a little cradle cap and then said he probably has a milk protein allergy and that I would need to stop feeding him for the time being as I stopped eating any and all dairy. 

This is where the conversation got blurry.  I think it was because I was A- Trying to blink the tears back from my eyes and B-Stay awake.  I recall her saying that she would never tell someone to stop breastfeeding their baby, so I could just pump for the next two weeks until all dairy was entirely out of my system and then start feeding him again after that.  I recall her talking about Nutramagin, which at the time I thought was a medication for either myself or Landon.  I recall asking what exactly no dairy meant, and her including the two words - "ice cream" which of course I knew were dairy, but still hurt to hear her say.  I recall her apologizing for upsetting me when I could no longer fight back the tears... or the hiccups of frustration and exhaustion the ensued.  Then I recall her leaving the room and returning with two samples of formula.

That's when it hit me that Nutramagin was not a prescription.  And that this was really happening.

After this moment, everything else was very Charlie Brown adult, "Wa wa wa wa" and I was in my own world.

NO DAIRY?!?!?  FOR SEVEN OR MORE MONTHS?!?!  
That's APRIL of 2013, people!!!

No creamer for my coffee when I go back to work even more exhausted than I am right now?

No cheese in my omelettes?

No cream cheese on my bagels?

None of the Greek yogurt I just stocked up on?

None of the leftovers from my Thirty-One party that I didn't even get to eat last night b/c I was too busy?

No chocolate?

No ice cream at Dom's birthday party? or William's birthday party?  Or mine?

No milk with Mrs. Claus' cookies?

NONE OF THE MEALS I HAD PREPARED AND FROZEN TO SAVE MYSELF SOME TIME WHEN I WENT BACK TO WORK?!?!?!!?!?

What if two weeks is enough time to let him forget what he's doing and therefore cause me the terrible pain again?

Ugggggg I was just on top of the world.  Literally.  Last night was AMAZING.  Today, I got hit in the gut with a baseball bat.

Then I just wanted to scream.... WHY MEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?! Why is everything falling apart right before work? And why is it that nursing is SO HARD for me?

With both boys I had two bouts with blocked ducts and fever.

With William, I lasted a FULL YEAR and I should have and could have given up a million times. We had his tongue clipped at the hospital when he was three days old and again at the pediatric dentist office when he was six weeks. I saw the lactation consultant four times and went to two LLL meetings.  I cried for HOURS with the pain that went with nursing and I spent every free second I had at work PUMPING just to produce minimal amounts, not even enough to feed him when I was at work.

With Landon, things were very tough at first.  I cried with the pain for six weeks.  Then one day, one side just felt ok.  Then a week or so later, the other side felt ok.  Then things were good.  Despite the fact that I have lost so much of my time with William because of nursing Landon, I felt like this time things were better.  Not easy, not fun, not enjoyable for most of the time SO FAR, but better... and going to be even better yet in the months ahead!

But NO.

Something so "natural" that comes so EASILY to so many people has struck me down again.  Yet I don't want to give it up.  No matter what it takes, I am determined that this is the path for Landon and me.  It is our only alone time.  Private time.  Time to let my mind relax and to just be with my baby.

Two weeks from now???

Many people don't understand the emotional side of breastfeeding.  That's why it's so hard to talk about. They think, "Wow! Two weeks is ok! No big deal!" but they don't get it.  That means going from full-time feeding to full-time pumping PLUS bottle feeding. Think of the PART TIME JOB it takes just to clean the pieces! Who has time for this? Not me with the EXTREMELY crazy schedule I have at work this year.  Not me with the toddler running around.  Not me with the husband who works in Detroit 13 plus hours a day.  Not me who has to spend all night grading and planning.

So what happened to us after the doctor's office?  I will tell you.  We got home, and THANK GOD William was not here because we were both bawling our eyes out.  I had to relearn how to make a formula bottle and I tried and TRIED to feed it to him for 40 mins, both of us crying, to no avail.

He fell asleep.

So this is where the story leaves off... today. All I know is that it's not the end and I am on my knees asking for some help.  I am also going to search for second opinions.

Why does life have to be so tough? 

To end on a positive note, if this is the lifestyle I am going to accept... I better lose some damn weight. I've got a bridesmaid dress to wear in May!